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lay me down, i'm lonely.and lives of quiet desperation. and the campaign of fear and consumption.and the never-ending ache for more.more.lay me down.i'm lonely.
i don't like that God is jealous. i don't like that he holds back from me just to show me a point. it's been increasingly become glaringly obvious that i'm being forced, every day, to go "God, i trust you. do whatever you want. take whatever you want away. take whoever you want away."because i find that i can't do a single thing to make any difference anyway.people who're gonna leave are gonna leave no matter what i do.and things that're gonna happen are gonna happen. no. matter. what. i. do. no matter.and guess what? i'm left alone to grapple and grope around in the vast, vast vacuum of emptiness, hoping with every fibre of my being that there'd be something to hold on to.i can't talk to anyone.you're too busy.you don't care. you're too... broke.you've got other things to deal with.you can't understand, or relate.you're off having a ball with your friends.and i'm left alone, and i can't talk to anyone.i'm doing an essay on jeffrey dahmer, notorious serial killer/rapist/necrophiliac. and it's terrifying that i recognize traces of myself in the descriptions of him.but then again, when i think about it, i reckon there're traces of the same evil in every one of us. the same desperation. the same jealousy. the same murderous rage that is flown into once a heart gets hurt. or rejected. or betrayed.or ignored.oh, depraved generation. whatever. it's tricky business being a human being-- created to love, yet afraid to do so for if i love too much, my heart breaks but if i don't love at all, it dries up. and created to be loved. i think we all know it. as people, we've sensed it intuitively. i was made to be loved. only... by whom???that's right, joey. go, run.gorge yourself on food.or plaster a smile on your face and pretend.or call a friend. what, no answer?call another friend.sleep it off, you'll feel better when you wake up.or cry. let it out. talk to someone.take a walk and smile to the sky when the breeze blows past you.bury yourself in work.email, email, email. be the best you can be.try harder, harder, harderr.go right ahead, none of it's gonna help when the gnawing sensation of stark blankness erupts into a volcano of aching desperation. let's see how this'll turn out.let's see how long it'll take for the one i trust in to come through for me.i know he will.for my God is who he says he is.
emptiness' a bitch.
