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QUITE-LONG POST.last night, after showering, Jesus came to me.i knew it- i knew he'd come. i knew he'd come for me.he came and held me close and gave me a gift.i'd always read john 14:27 as a verse- a precious one, but still. just a verse. it would comfort me in times of difficulty and pain.but last night, when J came to my room and held me in his arms, he gave me a gift."Peace", he said, "I leave with you. My peace, dear joey, I give to you. and I don't give as this world gives. I am not swayed by temperament and emotion. So do not let your heart be troubled, sweetheart, and do not be afraid.""This peace that I'm giving you now, it surpasses all understanding. It transcends all human knowledge and wisdom. It cuts through every layer of hurt, rejection, abandonment, fear of abandonment, every frustration and every fear, every little piece of doubt and uncertainty. it cuts through the worries and pains of life, as a sword would, and then it becomes a sealant coat, a protective layer that encases your heart, to guard it against any flaming arrow from the evil one, or any emotional knife from the people around you." that was last night.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~went on a 2-hour journey to Werribee Park today... was supposed to go to the free-range zoo, but then we decided it wasn't worth it, or something. anyway.you'd think that after an awesome lovey dovey thingy with J last night, i'd be all hyped up and happy today. you'd thinkkkk. I'm telling ya, jealousy works its way from your soul in different forms.but no matter how it looks, or how it's masked, it kills. Jealousy kills the spirit and the heart because as it festers, bitterness is borne. Bitterness gives birth to resentment, and this surfaces in our speech and actions and attitudes.Jealousy can only exist when i falsely believe someone's shortchanged me.when i falsely believe that He held out on me and blessed everyone else instead.but see, my bible says, "no good thing will He withhold from those whose walk is blameless."my bible tells me that in everything, my Dad works to the good of those who love him, who have been called in accordance to his purposes and will. my bible tells me that though in this world i will have trouble, my best Friend's overcome the world. and therefore my heart need not fear.This whole shit-i'm-pathetic-and-my-life-sucks-and-my-friends-suck-and-everything-sucks fiasco's been going on for too long. i know it. everyone knows it. okay maybe only i know it.in any case, here's the crux of the matter: in everything, there's a choice. In Deuteronomy 30, God declares, "Today I have set before you life and death", and He urges, and even implores, "choose life!" In everything, there's a choice. I choose to trust the one who's never let me down.He won't let go of me. He's the other ox and we're sharing a yoke. =)soo... yeah. screw jealousy and bitterness. it isn't worth my energy, and it certainly isn't worth my heart. gosh. what was i thinkinggg. -.-". anyway. the park! it was soo beautiful and i swear J was romancing me with every step.with the flowers and the breeze and the skies... and i could literally feel him hugging me.i sound psycho?yah yaaahh, maybe. but look! look how pretty!!!
camwhoring is an art form.
i love this shot because.. the flower in the middle's all dead and wrinkly and yet it's surrounded by 3 other beautiful, perfect roses. they're tied together, in a way. just like me and my Big 3 in heavennn. HAHAHA. call me crazy, but that flower in the middle reminds me of myself. yeah. 
but.. er, i didn't. HA HA HA. ok the end. J is so awesome he should get every award ever made.and more.
Jim Elliot said, "God always gives his best to those who leave the choice to Him."God has promised... only His best.anyway, just so you guys know, i'm kinda going through a rather rough patch right now.i'm just gonna bare my heart and soul here, since i think only my closest and dearest read this blog anyway. hahaha. i didn't actually laugh, just so you know. it was a filler.but listen up, so you know what's going on and so you can - hopefully - support me in love and prayer... i'm honestly scared. thinking about it, i've realized that the thing i'm most terrified of in the world is simply loneliness. not having anyone, you know? and apart from Jesus, i honestly think... i might have no one. oh, good, now my throat's hurting and i'm crying again. HAHAHA. that's not even funny.it sucks to be so far away from everybody i know and love. it's emotionally exhausting to have to push and strive and work, every day. be strong, joey. smile, joey. be friendly, joey.laugh, joey.pretend, joey.make small talk, joey.don't be so insecure, joey.don't be so sensitive, joey.hang on, joey.it'll get better, joey.only it isn't getting better.right, by now even i don't know what the heck i'm typing about.
am putting this picture up because... when you girls first came back from cambodia, things were so weird and i felt so wrong even hanging out with you. you're all wearing the same same shirt, and i'm not. i was different from all you guys.but in a couple of weeks everything went back to normal and i fit again, like in a jigsaw.so... in the same way.He'll come through for me.Jesus will be my strength.Isaiah 35:3-4 Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear, your God will come... He will come to save you."love me? pray. it's the only - and probably the best - thing you can do anyway.
why do i have to be ordinary?why should i be scared about not fitting in?who says i have to blend in?why can't i choose to stand out?who says i have to take it slow?who says i have to go one step at a time?why can't my life be mindblowingly, earth-shatteringly, fantastically... different?who says my destiny's already set in stone?who says my calling is just to smile at strangers and feel bad for the homeless?who sets the boundaries which confine me?why do i have to stay within said boundaries?who says i'm not good enough?who says i'm not strong enough?who says i'm not... enough?what makes me even entertain the thought that they might be right?who is the God i serve?who is the One who stirs my soul?what is true of Him?what remains true of Him, despite shifting, ever-changing circumstances?what does He say of me?what does He think of me?what does He intend for my life?who was i born to become?what's stopping me from becoming just that?and... what's stopping you?
desperately needing a hug right now.this whole time in melbourne (3 days, to be exact) has been a total roller-coaster ride.i miss everyone back home. and GOD, i'm so, so scared. terrified of being lonely, and terrified that history'll repeat itself. because if this year's anything like the last, i think i'll kill myself. i feel like this small little girl who's lost in a giant shopping mall and who can't find her mummy and who is just... terrified.because no matter what people've promised, circumstances change.emotions change, and therefore decisions change. not only am i terrified, i'm exhausted, too.carrying 47 kilograms of luggage around isn't what you'd call fun. unpacking and vacuuming and unpacking somemore, isn't what you'd call fun.going to bed with a feeling of hollow, hollow emptiness and not being able to cry, isn't what you'd call fun.feeling like the world's most pathetic loser isn't what you'd call fun.i know J's here with me, i know he isn't letting me go, but i just wish..i want it to be last month again. i want to be surrounded by people i know and who love me. i want to be able to go high and laugh with all the joy in the world again.i want to not have to calculate and think through every little word i say.i miss my girls. tomorrow's the anniversary dinner, and i'll be here. in melbourne. alone.GOD, THIS SUCKS.you know, i keep asking and asking and asking God.and he keeps making me wait. i don't get it. i've been reading Captivating (thanks liz i miss you sooo much), and it says that the heart of a woman yearns, above all, to be romanced and beautiful and part of a great adventure."Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships, and the quality they deem those relationships to have. I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Or, I am alone. I'm not seeing anyone right now, my children aren't calling, my friends are distant. This is not a weakness in women- it is a glory. A glory that reflects the heart of God."it seems my glory has become my bane, then.he knows how scared i am of being left alone. he knows. why won't he do anything to help??but, uh, when it all comes down to itLord, i love You.Lord, you are all i've got, and i trust you.please come through for me.you've never let me down. don't start now.
just for nostalgia's sake, and to reminisce on all i've left behind.man, how emo do i sound.
had an insane amount of fun tonight.laughing truly is awesome awesome medicine, not that i was sick, but, well. WENT HIGH IN MACAU CAFE, HA HA HA. anyway.i honestly believe it wasn't coincidence that we pushed the flight back and i could go for the cornerstone thing today. because even though, i guess, i can go see shakers perform whenever i wanna in melbourne, something happened today that doesn't happen a lot.it wasn't the music, although that was great.and it wasn't the preaching; because it was a message i'd heard countless times before.Position yourself for God to Move. it was that, after 17.5 years of existence on this planet, i realized...spiritual obesity, much like in the physical, is highly highly detrimental to me.not only was i living a grossly unproductive life, even with all the "potential" and "talent" Dad'd given me, i was being fooled into believing that going for conference after conference, having "spiritual encounter" after "spiritual encounter", listening to sermon tapes on end, knowing every planetshaker song, every hillsong song, all that, was a big deal, or having any kind of positive effect at all. what good is all that if it just stays in me?i thought i was being a "good christian" for knowing so much about the principles of God, the characteristics of God, the will of God, the structure of God, but in actual fact, i knew nothing, because i didn't know the heart of God. it beats for the lost.God's one desire is not that i should live in the lap of luxury.it isn't that i'm the prettiest girl in any given photo, haha.it isn't.. all of that. any of that.God's one desire is to reach a broken world through willing vessels.yes, i am in the arms of J and we are dancing under the stars.yes, He holds my heart in his hand and whispers my name.yes, i feel his heart beating and his breath against my ear.yes, i close my eyes and savour that one perfect, beautiful moment where we are one.but maybe, just maybe... dancing in the arms of my Lover is more than just goosebumps and a warm gooey feeling that wells up from the inside of me.maybe it is more than romance, more than hype, more than ideals and more than emotive responses.maybe dancing in J's arms is about truly knowing his heartbeat and living the life of excitement, awesomeness, intimacy and terrifying, free-falling risk in order to make said heart glow with pleasure and pride.just maybe.
first post of the century! time to celebrate, people :)whoohoooooooo
