Navigations are at the top
ABOUT {what i've}
LINKS {been looking for}
TAG {all this time}
bold italic underline link
random hot air balloons floating around :)
last night... was literally one of the worst nights of my life, not even to be exaggerative. i'd never felt so isolated, so alone, and so.. left behind. i fell asleep at around 10pm after over an hour of sobbing my eyes sore, and writing God a letter:"dear God i know i just told you you're a liar. and that you don't really love me. so here's a question: if i told you i hate you, would you still love me? how "unconditional" is this love you profess to have? what if i wanted to hurt myself in hopes that that would hurt you? what if i wanted to drown everything and make myself bleed and throw up, just to make your heart hurt? because i feel like doing just that right now. you said you'd come through for me and i believed you, and all that's done for me is made me look like a complete and utter idiot. where the heck are you?! what the hell are you doing?! let's test this love, now. love me? prove it. prove it. don't, and you'd be a liar, and who knows what else you'd have lied about? who the heck are you, anyway?! why are you letting me hurt when you're so capable of taking the pain all away? so the hell what if you're "able"?! my God is able. sure he is. sure you are. but what's the point of you being "ABLE", "CAPABLE", "ALMIGHTY", if you don't do one flipping thing about anything?!whatever. the gist is this: i don't know who you are i don't know what to believe i don't know what to doso if you love me as much as i've heard that you do... PROVE IT. and just so you know: the more deeply a heart loves (loved), the more bitter it becomes when reality floods in and it's left alone to freaking bleed. Joey."i went to sleep mouthing the words "prove it", over and over.7am alarm rings. i hit snooze button, but not before glancing out of my window to see an awesomely, awesomely breathtaking sunrise framed perfectly by my window frames. i chuckle and say, "prove it moreee"7.30am alarm rings again. snooze again.7.50am alarm rings again. open eyes. look out of window, am shocked to see 5 random hot air balloons floating randomly outside window. laugh at the bizarre-ness of the sight.7.51am look at phone. 6 new messages. wth. hey, people know i exist!anyway. i proceed to spend an extremely beautiful morning sitting outside a cafe sipping on iced coffee and doing my creative writing readings... then reading my bible.Ephesians 3:16-20, arguably the most beautiful verses i've set my eyes upon.wrote this in my journal:"i am beginning to be increasingly convinced of your hatred of falsehood. true relationship is hindered, it seems, by the lack of real-ness, if there's such a word. it is hindered by pretense: pretending things are okay when they're really notpretending anger isn't there when it istrying to sweep everything under the carpet in hopes that it'd just magically go away.maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, but i think, God, that you might've appreciated me being so brutally honest with you last night. it's possible, no? even probable, really. action without heart.heart without action.the two always have to go together; each is insufficient without the other." don't know what my point is. blah. anyway.thanks to matz for being there. <3
