i ' v e f o u n d Y O U.

Friday, 20 February 2009

2:22 pm

desperately needing a hug right now.

this whole time in melbourne (3 days, to be exact) has been a total roller-coaster ride.

i miss everyone back home.

and GOD, i'm so, so scared.

terrified of being lonely, and terrified that history'll repeat itself.

because if this year's anything like the last, i think i'll kill myself.

i feel like this small little girl who's lost in a giant shopping mall and who can't find her mummy and who is just... terrified.

because no matter what people've promised, circumstances change.

emotions change, and therefore decisions change.

not only am i terrified, i'm exhausted, too.

carrying 47 kilograms of luggage around isn't what you'd call fun.

unpacking and vacuuming and unpacking somemore, isn't what you'd call fun.

going to bed with a feeling of hollow, hollow emptiness and not being able to cry, isn't what you'd call fun.

feeling like the world's most pathetic loser isn't what you'd call fun.

i know J's here with me, i know he isn't letting me go, but i just wish..

i want it to be last month again.

i want to be surrounded by people i know and who love me.

i want to be able to go high and laugh with all the joy in the world again.

i want to not have to calculate and think through every little word i say.

i miss my girls.

tomorrow's the anniversary dinner, and i'll be here. in melbourne. alone.

GOD, THIS SUCKS.

you know, i keep asking and asking and asking God.

and he keeps making me wait. i don't get it.

i've been reading Captivating (thanks liz i miss you sooo much), and it says that the heart of a woman yearns, above all, to be romanced and beautiful and part of a great adventure.

"Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships, and the quality they deem those relationships to have. I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Or, I am alone. I'm not seeing anyone right now, my children aren't calling, my friends are distant. This is not a weakness in women- it is a glory. A glory that reflects the heart of God."

it seems my glory has become my bane, then.

he knows how scared i am of being left alone. he knows. why won't he do anything to help??

but, uh, when it all comes down to it

Lord, i love You.

Lord, you are all i've got, and i trust you.

please come through for me.

you've never let me down. don't start now.

just for nostalgia's sake, and to reminisce on all i've left behind.

man, how emo do i sound.