i don't remember the last time i'd felt that desperate. during praise&worship, i didn't even dare sing take me deeper, take me higher, take me further.
how could i? who was i, to ask for more?
beggars don't go to the emperor and demand money.
sinners don't go into the presence of a holy God and ask for more of His anointing.
so i stood instead, unceasing stream of tears down my face, as i felt this battle rage within me, and i couldn't do anything so i just stood there and cried and cried and cried,
scared and helpless, i begged You, "don't let them take me away",
and i begged them, "leave me alone, let me go, please let me go,"
and i was naked, as always, in Your presence.
where there is light, darkness cannot stand; and where You are, God, i am bare, so bare that i shock even myself. where You are, my facade dissolves because the power in Your very name is strong enough to pull all the layers off of me, so that only i remain. only i. remain.
and after service there was this huge canyon in me,
a canyon of emptiness and helplessness and desperate, desperate hunger.
and i don't remember the last time i'd felt that desperate.
my heart was broken and i only realised it at that moment.
God, don't pass me by, please don't pass me by, though i'd fallen for the counterfeit, instead of the genuine, although i had bought into a lie.
don't pass me by.
i needed to find out how to stop this flow of aching emptiness in my soul and so i ran, to pastor rob, with tears unglamly still streaming down my face, and told him how i'd once been so in love and how i fell out of it and how my heart hurt so badly because it was so empty and would he please pray for me?
yes, he prayed. and i don't remember what he prayed, though it happened just a couple of hours ago. because as he prayed, something happened and i wasn't empty anymore.
"the next time the devil comes and tells you you're not worth it, that God won't listen, that God doesn't care, that you're not important enough, tell him to shut up."
tell him to shut up, you are blood-bought.
you shut your face; she's with Me.
i don't know, words can't describe it but my God is so awesome.
words can't even describe what He did for me today.
my God is so, so awesome.
if you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you. john 15:7
and i can't remember the last time i cried that much.
i was literally crying throughout the entire service - p&w, and sermon.
my eyes are so tired now but Jesus is holding onto me.
and that feels freaking awesome.
we watched a video on childbirth in psych yesterday, while learning about child development (yeah i know, right, MY SUBJECTS ARE SO KICKASS, HA HA HA ALL YOU LOSERS DOING PW & GP & PI & WHATNOT BACK IN SINGAPORE) and whoa childbirth is HARD.
singapore's too hot to survive in, honestly.
