i ' v e f o u n d Y O U.

Wednesday 22 April 2009

12:07 pm

lay me down, i'm lonely.

and lives of quiet desperation.

and the campaign of fear and consumption.

and the never-ending ache for more.

more.

lay me down.

i'm lonely.

Sunday 12 April 2009

10:37 pm

i don't like that God is jealous.

i don't like that he holds back from me just to show me a point.

it's been increasingly become glaringly obvious that i'm being forced, every day, to go

"God, i trust you.

do whatever you want.

take whatever you want away.

take whoever you want away."

because i find that i can't do a single thing to make any difference anyway.

people who're gonna leave are gonna leave no matter what i do.

and things that're gonna happen are gonna happen. no. matter. what. i. do.

no matter.

and guess what? i'm left alone to grapple and grope around in the vast, vast vacuum of emptiness, hoping with every fibre of my being that there'd be something to hold on to.

i can't talk to anyone.

you're too busy.

you don't care.

you're too... broke.

you've got other things to deal with.

you can't understand, or relate.

you're off having a ball with your friends.

and i'm left alone, and i can't talk to anyone.

i'm doing an essay on jeffrey dahmer, notorious serial killer/rapist/necrophiliac.

and it's terrifying that i recognize traces of myself in the descriptions of him.

but then again, when i think about it, i reckon there're traces of the same evil in every one of us. the same desperation. the same jealousy.

the same murderous rage that is flown into once a heart gets hurt.

or rejected.

or betrayed.

or ignored.

oh, depraved generation.

whatever. it's tricky business being a human being--

created to love, yet afraid to do so

for if i love too much, my heart breaks

but if i don't love at all, it dries up.

and created to be loved.

i think we all know it. as people, we've sensed it intuitively.

i was made to be loved.

only... by whom???

that's right, joey. go, run.

gorge yourself on food.

or plaster a smile on your face and pretend.

or call a friend. what, no answer?

call another friend.

sleep it off, you'll feel better when you wake up.

or cry. let it out.

talk to someone.

take a walk and smile to the sky when the breeze blows past you.

bury yourself in work.

email, email, email.

be the best you can be.

try harder, harder, harderr.

go right ahead, none of it's gonna help when the gnawing sensation of stark blankness erupts into a volcano of aching desperation.

let's see how this'll turn out.

let's see how long it'll take for the one i trust in to come through for me.

i know he will.

for my God is who he says he is.

Saturday 11 April 2009

11:51 pm

emptiness' a bitch.

Tuesday 24 March 2009

9:07 pm

oh, sweetheart, if there were just one thing i could speak directly into your heart, it'd be this: your Dad's the King of the universe, and he's going to pull some strings. he's going to pull strings, because some things just don't change.

Thursday 19 March 2009

6:13 pm

due to the truly appalling nature and character of a significant number males i've had the misfortune of coming into contact with in my existence on this planet, i have drawn the conclusion, that if it were not morally outrageous... i'd probably be a lesbian.

especially for the likes of christina aguilera... elisha cuthbert. ashley tisdale.

or at least just people who look like them.

ah well.

Monday 16 March 2009

8:48 pm

you're not supposed to be up here

in my mind

in my heart

in my soul

in my gut

stay low, treacherous snake

beautiful treachery

you sent for me

once i was free, i remember, once

free from shackles

unbound, unstuck

free from the toxic web

of your bewitching clutch

now i glance around and hear

my own heart's sizzling with tortured fear

increasingly, it emphasizes what is clear

you're not supposed to be up here.

Sunday 15 March 2009

9:11 pm

vaporization. doesn't seem like a terrible idea.

and thanks, but i'll think however the hell i wanna think.

Wednesday 11 March 2009

9:10 pm

random hot air balloons floating around :)

last night... was literally one of the worst nights of my life, not even to be exaggerative.

i'd never felt so isolated, so alone, and so.. left behind. i fell asleep at around 10pm after over an hour of sobbing my eyes sore, and writing God a letter:

"dear God

i know i just told you you're a liar. and that you don't really love me. so here's a question: if i told you i hate you, would you still love me? how "unconditional" is this love you profess to have? what if i wanted to hurt myself in hopes that that would hurt you? what if i wanted to drown everything and make myself bleed and throw up, just to make your heart hurt? because i feel like doing just that right now. you said you'd come through for me and i believed you, and all that's done for me is made me look like a complete and utter idiot. where the heck are you?! what the hell are you doing?! let's test this love, now. love me? prove it. prove it. don't, and you'd be a liar, and who knows what else you'd have lied about? who the heck are you, anyway?! why are you letting me hurt when you're so capable of taking the pain all away? so the hell what if you're "able"?! my God is able. sure he is. sure you are. but what's the point of you being "ABLE", "CAPABLE", "ALMIGHTY", if you don't do one flipping thing about anything?!

whatever.

the gist is this: i don't know who you are

i don't know what to believe

i don't know what to do

so if you love me as much as i've heard that you do... PROVE IT.

and just so you know: the more deeply a heart loves (loved), the more bitter it becomes when reality floods in and it's left alone to freaking bleed.

Joey."

i went to sleep mouthing the words "prove it", over and over.

7am alarm rings. i hit snooze button, but not before glancing out of my window to see an awesomely, awesomely breathtaking sunrise framed perfectly by my window frames. i chuckle and say, "prove it moreee"

7.30am alarm rings again. snooze again.

7.50am alarm rings again. open eyes. look out of window, am shocked to see 5 random hot air balloons floating randomly outside window. laugh at the bizarre-ness of the sight.

7.51am look at phone. 6 new messages. wth. hey, people know i exist!

anyway. i proceed to spend an extremely beautiful morning sitting outside a cafe sipping on iced coffee and doing my creative writing readings... then reading my bible.

Ephesians 3:16-20, arguably the most beautiful verses i've set my eyes upon.

wrote this in my journal:

"i am beginning to be increasingly convinced of your hatred of falsehood. true relationship is hindered, it seems, by the lack of real-ness, if there's such a word. it is hindered by pretense: pretending things are okay when they're really not

pretending anger isn't there when it is

trying to sweep everything under the carpet in hopes that it'd just magically go away.

maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, but i think, God, that you might've appreciated me being so brutally honest with you last night. it's possible, no? even probable, really.

action without heart.

heart without action.

the two always have to go together; each is insufficient without the other."

don't know what my point is. blah. anyway.

thanks to matz for being there. <3

Sunday 8 March 2009

4:18 am

MOOMBA WATERFEST TODAY! :D

RUBIDOO CAME OVER (and is asleep on my couch as i type), SO WAS VERY HAPPYYYY :D

anywaay. yes. anywayy. will not lie; am posting this pic cuz... i think i look pretty. veryyy pretty. HEHEH. disagree all you waaant, each entitled to own opinion, no? :) bad english, whatever.

spent like 3 hours scribbling stuff in my diary after reading like half a chapter of Isaiah.

revelation, revelation indeed.

anyway, on a whole other different note, i figure... i should stop being such a freak.

go awaayyy, disgusting thoughts/feelings/erm, things.

wish i could go to church in the morning... as in, like COSB.

go around hugging people and smacking boobs *cough cough* and stuff.

but nooo i cannttt. i have to go to a new place where i wont know anybody, and smile and hope i dont come off too strongly as a.. well, as a freak. HA HA. joy.

wishhh personn wouldd gett aa callingg cardd alreadyy.

lovee mee rightt. thenn! thenn???

heheheh <3

Monday 2 March 2009

11:14 pm

Loving this quote from Smith Wigglesworth:

"There is power in God’s Word to make that which does not exist appear.”

totally unrelated: I SO COOKED TODAY! :D

followed aunty esther's recipe of how to make aglio olio. :D

someday i am gonna make someone the luckiest guy on the planet, when i marry him, because clearly i have the wholeee packagee. so i'm drop-dead gorgeous, i'm nice and awesome and all that, AND I CAN COOK! HA HA HA. only kidding. am not really a narcissist.

only awesome people can cook and camwhore at the same time :)

end result. OOOHHHH SOMETHING LOOKS YUMMYY..... :D

Sunday 1 March 2009

11:42 pm

liz says it's important that i put this on my blog. :)

:JOEY:: says: (11:05:54 PM)

"WE'RE GONNA START A FIGHT!"

::JOEY:: says: (11:06:07 PM)

me and J. :))

::JOEY:: says: (11:06:10 PM)

you can come too if you wanna.

elizabeth; says: (11:06:16 PM)

fight the world?

elizabeth; says: (11:06:18 PM)

injustice?

elizabeth; says: (11:06:21 PM)

proverty?

::JOEY:: says: (11:06:24 PM)

not the world.

::JOEY:: says: (11:06:36 PM)

and not proverty since that is not a word, you genius speller. :))

::JOEY:: says: (11:06:48 PM)

but yeah, injustice. didja read my blog?

::JOEY:: says: (11:06:54 PM)

bout the flowers and all that

elizabeth; says: (11:06:54 PM)

poverty

elizabeth; says: (11:06:55 PM)

hahah

elizabeth; says: (11:06:57 PM)

yes

::JOEY:: says: (11:07:13 PM)

at the last part, i said smth like.. on the bus i had alot of time to think but i didnt, right?

elizabeth; says: (11:07:17 PM)

yea

::JOEY:: says: (11:07:24 PM)

i didnt elaborate

::JOEY:: says: (11:07:32 PM)

but i wasnt thinking because i was listening

::JOEY:: says: (11:07:36 PM)

he kept talking.

::JOEY:: says: (11:07:39 PM)

how cool is that.

elizabeth; says: (11:07:46 PM)

cool

elizabeth; says: (11:07:49 PM)

wad he talked abt?

::JOEY:: says: (11:08:01 PM)

ok so the place we were was some.. like the country side luh

::JOEY:: says: (11:08:18 PM)

like realllyyyyy far away from the city

::JOEY:: says: (11:08:25 PM)

so its like, got agriculture and stuffff

::JOEY:: says: (11:08:38 PM)

and i was listening to the Power of Your Name on my ipod nonstop

::JOEY:: says: (11:09:30 PM)

anw. theres a line in the song that goes "and i will give with the life that i've been given, and go beyond religion, to see this world be changed by the power of your name"

::JOEY:: says: (11:10:10 PM)

and POSSIBLY, it was just the emotional part of me acting up, or it couldve been God. in any case... things started rising up in me luh.

::JOEY:: says: (11:10:39 PM)

and as i looked out the window i was pretty much zoning out, admiring the sky and saying "pretty sky, Daddy", or "pretty flowers, Daddy"

::JOEY:: says: (11:10:50 PM)

then after awhile i started noticing the agriculture. the crops, and all.

::JOEY:: says: (11:11:14 PM)

and (I THINK) J began to speak, and say... the harvest is ready, jo, but the workers are few.

::JOEY:: says: (11:11:23 PM)

the harvest is plentiful, jo, but the workers are so few.

::JOEY:: says: (11:11:59 PM)

and right then, the bus started passing by rows and rows and rows of the greenest, most healthy-looking vegetables and stuff

::JOEY:: says: (11:12:39 PM)

"the workers are few, the workers are so few", and the crops, lined up in straight rows, just stretched out, sooooo much crop

::JOEY:: says: (11:13:10 PM)

so i asked him, "so whats gonna happen? what do you want ME to do about it??"

::JOEY:: says: (11:13:22 PM)

and the bus started passing by barren soil

::JOEY:: says: (11:13:42 PM)

i'm not kidding. right at that moment, like J was showing me a slideshow or smth.

elizabeth; says: (11:13:56 PM)

(wah so cool. go on)

::JOEY:: says: (11:14:36 PM)

rows and rows of empty brown soil, and it looked like it used to have things growing in it, but it was just so bare and empty.

::JOEY:: says: (11:14:59 PM)

like, i dunno, but i felt like He was telling me, you know, i only have one life, one shot, that kinda thing.

::JOEY:: says: (11:15:08 PM)

keep passing opportunities by, and soon i'll have none left.

::JOEY:: says: (11:15:28 PM)

because if i truly saw every person around me as Jesus in disguise, i assure you, i'd be behaving a whole lot different from the way i am now.

::JOEY:: says: (11:15:48 PM)

i'd love them more, because i love Him so much. i'd give more time, because i wanna give Him all my time in the world.

::JOEY:: says: (11:16:13 PM)

i'd hug the homeless, even if they smell, cuz i'd hug Jesus even if he came out from a dumpster.

::JOEY:: says: (11:16:22 PM)

you know? like, am i making sense?

elizabeth; says: (11:17:08 PM)

yes yes

elizabeth; says: (11:17:19 PM)

you know, God is stirring

elizabeth; says: (11:17:33 PM)

guess wad our bible study is on now? evangelism

elizabeth; says: (11:19:31 PM)

eh go type out or just copy and paste what you just told me in your blog

::JOEY:: says: (11:20:22 PM)

why...?

elizabeth; says: (11:20:44 PM)

it's a visual representation of wad may happen

elizabeth; says: (11:20:59 PM)

and i hope, whoever reads it, if he's a sleeping christian, will wake up

::JOEY:: says: (11:22:04 PM)

no blog post is gonna wake a sleeping christian, liz.

::JOEY:: says: (11:22:15 PM)

OH OH I TOOK PICTURES OKAY.

::JOEY:: says: (11:22:34 PM)

cuz as i was hearing all that, i immediately wanted to tell you (honoured?? ;))

elizabeth; says: (11:22:46 PM)

awww so honored!

::JOEY:: says: (11:22:56 PM)

and so i kept praying that we'd pass by a really green crop field again, and another really barren one again

::JOEY:: says: (11:23:03 PM)

and we did! :D so yeah i have pictures

elizabeth; says: (11:23:16 PM)

just put it up anyway can? pls?

well, because you said please. :)

the harvest is plentiful

do something, or it'll disappear

for who knows, dear one, but that you've come to your exact position in this world, for such a time as this?

Saturday 28 February 2009

7:54 pm

QUITE-LONG POST.

last night, after showering, Jesus came to me.

i knew it- i knew he'd come. i knew he'd come for me.

he came and held me close and gave me a gift.

i'd always read john 14:27 as a verse- a precious one, but still. just a verse.

it would comfort me in times of difficulty and pain.

but last night, when J came to my room and held me in his arms, he gave me a gift.

"Peace", he said, "I leave with you. My peace, dear joey, I give to you. and I don't give as this world gives. I am not swayed by temperament and emotion. So do not let your heart be troubled, sweetheart, and do not be afraid."

"This peace that I'm giving you now, it surpasses all understanding. It transcends all human knowledge and wisdom. It cuts through every layer of hurt, rejection, abandonment, fear of abandonment, every frustration and every fear, every little piece of doubt and uncertainty. it cuts through the worries and pains of life, as a sword would, and then it becomes a sealant coat, a protective layer that encases your heart, to guard it against any flaming arrow from the evil one, or any emotional knife from the people around you."

that was last night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

went on a 2-hour journey to Werribee Park today... was supposed to go to the free-range zoo, but then we decided it wasn't worth it, or something. anyway.

you'd think that after an awesome lovey dovey thingy with J last night, i'd be all hyped up and happy today. you'd thinkkkk.

I'm telling ya, jealousy works its way from your soul in different forms.

but no matter how it looks, or how it's masked, it kills.

Jealousy kills the spirit and the heart because as it festers, bitterness is borne.

Bitterness gives birth to resentment, and this surfaces in our speech and actions and attitudes.

Jealousy can only exist when i falsely believe someone's shortchanged me.

when i falsely believe that He held out on me and blessed everyone else instead.

but see, my bible says, "no good thing will He withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

my bible tells me that in everything, my Dad works to the good of those who love him, who have been called in accordance to his purposes and will.

my bible tells me that though in this world i will have trouble, my best Friend's overcome the world. and therefore my heart need not fear.

This whole shit-i'm-pathetic-and-my-life-sucks-and-my-friends-suck-and-everything-sucks fiasco's been going on for too long. i know it. everyone knows it. okay maybe only i know it.

in any case, here's the crux of the matter: in everything, there's a choice.

In Deuteronomy 30, God declares, "Today I have set before you life and death", and He urges, and even implores, "choose life!"

In everything, there's a choice. I choose to trust the one who's never let me down.

He won't let go of me. He's the other ox and we're sharing a yoke. =)

soo... yeah.

screw jealousy and bitterness. it isn't worth my energy, and it certainly isn't worth my heart. gosh. what was i thinkinggg. -.-".

anyway. the park! it was soo beautiful and i swear J was romancing me with every step.

with the flowers and the breeze and the skies... and i could literally feel him hugging me.

i sound psycho?

yah yaaahh, maybe.

but look! look how pretty!!!

camwhoring is an art form.

i love this shot because.. the flower in the middle's all dead and wrinkly and yet it's surrounded by 3 other beautiful, perfect roses. they're tied together, in a way.

just like me and my Big 3 in heavennn. HAHAHA.

call me crazy, but that flower in the middle reminds me of myself. yeah.

so on the hour-long bus ride, i had a lot of time to think.

but.. er, i didn't. HA HA HA.

ok the end.

J is so awesome he should get every award ever made.

and more.

Wednesday 25 February 2009

12:22 am

Jim Elliot said, "God always gives his best to those who leave the choice to Him."

God has promised... only His best.

anyway, just so you guys know, i'm kinda going through a rather rough patch right now.

i'm just gonna bare my heart and soul here, since i think only my closest and dearest read this blog anyway. hahaha. i didn't actually laugh, just so you know. it was a filler.

but listen up, so you know what's going on and so you can - hopefully - support me in love and prayer... i'm honestly scared. thinking about it, i've realized that the thing i'm most terrified of in the world is simply loneliness. not having anyone, you know? and apart from Jesus, i honestly think... i might have no one. oh, good, now my throat's hurting and i'm crying again. HAHAHA. that's not even funny.

it sucks to be so far away from everybody i know and love.

it's emotionally exhausting to have to push and strive and work, every day.

be strong, joey.

smile, joey.

be friendly, joey.

laugh, joey.

pretend, joey.

make small talk, joey.

don't be so insecure, joey.

don't be so sensitive, joey.

hang on, joey.

it'll get better, joey.

only it isn't getting better.

right, by now even i don't know what the heck i'm typing about.

am putting this picture up because... when you girls first came back from cambodia, things were so weird and i felt so wrong even hanging out with you.

you're all wearing the same same shirt, and i'm not. i was different from all you guys.

but in a couple of weeks everything went back to normal and i fit again, like in a jigsaw.

so... in the same way.

He'll come through for me.

Jesus will be my strength.

Isaiah 35:3-4

Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way;

say to those with fearful hearts,

"Be strong, do not fear, your God will come...

He will come to save you."

love me? pray. it's the only - and probably the best - thing you can do anyway.